With the NFL season kicking off tomorrow night, the SportsTalkFlorida.com staff pondered several key NFL questions and tested these theories through our in-office crystal ball, a Ouji board, a tarot deck missing three cards, two santarias and a witch doctor.
In the end, these 10 bold predictions came through the ethers of time and the netherworld (If any of these turn out not to be true, we’re blaming the tarot card deck for being short three cards or maybe the santaria who kept drinking tequila…).
1. ROBERT GRIFFIN III RETURNS!
Yes, RG III will one day return as the starting quarterback of the Washington Redskins. We predict for this to happen by Week 3 as Kirk Cousins picks up a minor injury. However, the mists showed glimpses of a young horse for Week 4. So we’re assuming RG III will be quickly injured and replaced by Colt McCoy.
Predictions: odds are >50% RGIII will start again this year. Gruden will be fired before 2016 season.
— Jerry Negrelli (@JerryNegrelli) September 5, 2015
2. PATRIOTS WILL FACE RETRIBUTION
Somehow, some way, the New England Patriots will pay for their crimes. Think about it: they beat the Oakland Raiders on the “Tuck Rule”, they survived Spygate, Deflategate and their ability to charm on-field officials and NFL office-types reaches all the way back to 1982 to the pre-Bill Belichick/Rober Kraft days.
December 12, 1982 at the old artificial-turfed Schaefer Stadium: the Pats roll out a snowplow driven by a former convict (fitting) and cleared a path for their field goal kicker who promptly beat the Dolphins.
Our mediums were not clear, but something about injuries (via karma) and lots of yellow flags, which we took to mean penalties. We’re going to assume the officials will be tightly monitoring everything the Patriots do on and off the field.
BTW, loving the old-school, mesh “Lucky Stripe” hat Don Shula’s sporting.
3. DOLPHINS FANS REBEL AGAINST CURRENT LOGO
One of our santarias lives in Miami. She kept saying “Casco con ‘M-eh’, Casco con ‘M-eh'”. At first we thought she was cursing the live rooster who managed to escape out the backdoor, but when we thumbed through our Spanish dictionary we realized she repeated “Helmet with ‘M'”. It can only refer to the old Dolphins logo where our favorite leaping sea mammal sports a white helmet marked with a capital, orange letter ‘M’.
Let’s face it: The throwback uniforms scheduled for the Dolphins’ Dec. 14th game against the Giants are freaking BOSS. We predict sales of the classic merch will out-perform the mindless, floating aqua-fresh logo the team current sports. Fans and media will begin to clamor for the return of the team’s classic logo and uniforms. The Dolphins should take the Packers road and never veer from their classic look.
All of it will fall on deaf ears as Stephen Ross seems pretty stubborn about things like this. And, of course, he’s not about to replace all the hard logo installations around the newly renovated stadium and training complex.
4. BUCS WIN FOUR GAMES
The Bucs schedule offers a mix of re-building teams and powerhouses, but our sources indicate they will struggle. The words Titans, Texans. Jaguars and Giants kept popping up. When looking at the schedule, we assumed this meant these were the four teams the Bucs might beat.
— Greg Auman (@gregauman) September 8, 2015
5. JAGS START SEASON 0-5
Jacksonville gets off to a rough start by dropping their first five games. The schedule is not kind, including three road games in a row at New England, Indianapolis and Tampa. Likewise, decent teams such as Carolina and Miami come to town in the first two weeks of the season. The Jags don’t get a break until they host Houston in Week 6.
— JKSN (@JKSNetwork) September 9, 2015
6. NFL PLAYER ARRESTED FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE
We went out on a limb for this prediction and didn’t even bother to consult our mystical panel.
7. RISE OF AJ McCARRON
Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will be sidelined with an injury, opening the door for former Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron to step in and perform. He will lead the Bengals to victory each time he plays, creating a quarterback controversy for the strip-ed ones.
#Bengals QB AJ McCarron has made some throws in tough situations this preseason that should make Andy Dalton take notice. Know what I mean?
— Louis Riddick (@LRiddickESPN) September 7, 2015
8. TIM TEBOW BACK WITH EAGLES
Sam Bradford will suffer an injury three weeks into the season. Faced with starting Mark Sanchez again, Chip Kelly banks on Tim Tebow’s forgiving Christian nature and begs him to return to Philly. Tebow eventually plays a role in helping the Eagles reach the playoffs. This came courtesy of our Ouji board, which connected with the spirits of Gators fans. They say their sources on this are iron.
From secret society-driven #NFL blackballing of Tim Tebow to spygate, this has been one very odd, strange, meandering summer.
— Matt Lombardo (@MattLombardo975) September 9, 2015
9. A CHIEFS RECEIVER WILL CATCH A TD PASS
Can you believe not one wide receiver on the Kansas City Chiefs caught a touchdown pass in 2014? Our trusty witch doctor threw down some bones (one resembled a human hand) and told us Jeremy Maclin and Alex Smith will hook up in the first game of the season.
Chiefs recievers shines in win: It was a sight that should make Chiefs fans happy. Alex Smith finding a co… http://t.co/E87RW5jnPz
— KWCH Eyewitness News (@KWCH12) August 22, 2015
10. JOHNNY MANZIEL FULFILLS HIS DESTINY
Sober and serious for the first time in yonks, Johnny Football leads the Cleveland Browns to a .500 season. Our tequila-swigging santaria assured us this was the case, although she claimed things were getting a little foggy after the eight or ninth shot.
Johnny Manziel is back to throwing, giving the Browns one less thing to worry about http://t.co/nMmQHkOgZ6
— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) September 8, 2015
SOCIAL MEDIA PREDICTIONS
— Chris Trapasso (@ChrisTrapasso) September 9, 2015
Brady will dominate and retire; Aaron Rodgers the MVP; organizational changes in Cleveland; Saban to flirt with NFL. http://t.co/iovJCNImOq
— mike freeman (@mikefreemanNFL) September 9, 2015
NFL Predictions for this year pic.twitter.com/BjWwe6CIku
— Shabazz (@TheWhiteEmoji) September 9, 2015
— Arrowhead Pride (@ArrowheadPride) September 3, 2015
— theScore (@theScore) September 3, 2015
— Henry Hodgson (@nflukhank) September 2, 2015